This past Friday, I went out to this cool rooftop bar Jones for my friend’s 30th birthday. As my best friend put it, “It was just one awkward moment after another.”
First, these two really awkward dudes started talking to me. One was staring…or looking at me funny and says to me, “Are you drinking a Mojito?” I respond, “Nope, its a Moscow Mule.” And he says something about my drink and proceeds to make introductions by gesturing to his friend, “This is Kevin and he works in architecture, I’m in IT and YOU?”
“Event planning. Wait, whats YOUR name?”
He looked surprised, “Oh..Ken.” And then we talked about where we were from…and then SILENCE. [Interior Monologue].. There is awkwardness vibrating from you both..and then i waited and waited and…slowly shifted my body back to the group i was in. Yes, this is as awkward as you imagine it.
Meanwhile, my group is my friend and this guy she is dating and his friend - two TALL white dudes that soar above the mostly asian, short, nerd group that the party consists of. Jeff, the date, says, “I saw that whole thing. Why is that guy wearing a backpack? Do you think he is selling drugs?”
Later on in the night, Jeff, who is trying very hard to impress my friend by being nice to me is goes, “POINT OUT A DUDE, I will get his number for you.” I laugh. This later proves to not be a joke. I spot a dude who was at my friend’s party who I thought was cute and Jeff marches straight up to the group and starts talking to him and then BRINGS him over. I start talking to the guy, Chris and he is very… proper? Formal? It could have had something to do with the white blazer, seersucker button up, preppy red pants and Sperrys type shoes but he was very…straight-laced? I don’t quite know how to explain it. But we talk and then dispersed a little and then I went to talk to my friends.
Side note: The theme of the party was WEAR A HAT so he was wearing a white bolero. (Picture the entire outfit) I don’t know if he dressed for the event or if he dresses that way all the time….it seemed almost costumey…so I did just assume it was for the party but now that I think about it…
Anyway, he did show interest and that surprised me. Usually when you have to initiate or initiate via a WINGMAN…I don’t know, maybe I’m just surprised boys are interested in me still…
BUT when he did so interest, I didn’t TOTALLY comprehend until after the fact. In fact, I totally messed up. We were talking about hipsters and he said something like “we should go to Dolores Park because they have a lot of hipsters.” Instead of actually responding, I continued to chatter on about how I had never been anywhere in San Francisco…even though in my head I thought that meant “SURE. Let’s go.”
Over these two weeks I’ve realized some things….
Great friends. I have all sorts of friends who are great in their own way. Here’s an observation about Mount Holyoke women - we’re extremely great at long-distance-time relationships. We’re very good at loving each other to the fullest when we are together… no matter what time has passed/how long we haven’t spoken - when we are finally together, it’s like we saw each other YESTERDAY like we haven’t spent anytime apart at all.
I have all sorts of friends who have messaged me who I wasn’t even super close to. But compassion is compassion. Either you have or you don’t.
I think I can say the same of a lot of good, good friends (not only Mohos). My friend B who went to UMass while I went to Moho is the same. I called her last week. We hadn’t spoken on the phone for a couple years but we talked as though we had never stopped living in the same Valley. Talking to her, I like to describe, is like participating in your own therapy. She knows me SO RIDICULOUSLY well that I don’t really have to explain anything…she knows where I am coming from and what I’m trying to say. I find that I know her equally as well…She will say something with great perspective about me but go “I don’t know…” Oh, but she knows.
But it’s been a hard week. I am feeling overwhelmed by all the things that remind me of Dean. Obviously he did not respond to the letter I sent him. Expected, but still weird nonetheless.
My friend L tries to enlighten me:
me: I am getting overwhelmed by all the things that remind me of dean
L: :( i know what you mean
me: i feel like giving up
L: do not. have you spoken since?
me: no. he hasnt responded to my letter. so i wonder if we are just never gonna speak again
L: that’s sometimes easier
me: maybe. i am just getting angrier by it. some part of me hopes he has enough decency to say something
L: joan holloway
“men don’t take the time to end things. they ignore you until you insist on a declaration of hate.”
we crave the closure of it, we want the pain in some way in order to make some meaning for ourselves out of why it ended.
because we can’t understand how emotion that was love can fade into nothing. we have to turn it into some other emotion.
me: she’s right
i think this whole thing has made me smarter and more cynical
maybe they are both the same thing
me: JH is right. it just seems weird
L: yeah. like is a total gender thing? or a human thing
me: like, REALLY? no response to heart pouring? is that real life???
Someone answer our question…
You’re going to be sad for a while. maybe a long time. and every time you think of him you are going to get sad again. Maybe right now you can only think about him. Maybe you can’t think about anything else. and that sucks. but it’s also ok. and it’s the way you should be right now. and then maybe in a week you think about mostly him but maybe a little bit about something else. and then the next month you think a little bit more about something else. and then little by little one day you’ll realize you haven’t thought about him in a few days. and that won’t be the moment when you realize you’re done and over it. But it might be the moment you realize that you will eventually be done and over it.
And then you start to find hope again.
— her name is becca
[…] i think you should make the decision to be happy despite how you feel. Just decide to do it and it will naturally come. Lets talk about it more but just a suggestion. Read the secret too and make yourself believe that you are happy and i think things will start to change and you will feel better… i know i sounds cultish… but i want you to be happy everyday because you deserve to be!
— her name is jaime
On Friday, in an effort to mend my wounded heart, I set out on a trip to Sephora - land of the Overdone Stylist. I was on the search for some bright ass lipstick - because what is more uplifting that bright beautiful lips? I’ve never really worn lipstick but hell, let’s try something new. I plopped myself in front of Sephora’s huge make-up counter with some NARS, YSL and went to work testing them all out. Okay, this is boring.
Because I am a chatter bug, I just started talking to ALL THE stylists. “What’s your favorite brand?” “Do you like this color on me?” “Seriously, what do you think?”
And then I met Kyle. Kyle was like, “Hmmm, I like red better. Let me show you this.” He puts some Benetint on my lips and I was sold. Obviously, Kyle and I became friends. I told him about my heartache issues. I swore a little. He loved me instantly.
He proceeded to give me lots of love advice: “Don’t be too nice to them…don’t answer their calls right away….” In my head I was thinking, “We are so way pass that.”
He had stopped paying attention to anyone else so I asked him to do my eye make-up. He gave me a full-faced makeover. I purchased the pink Nars and
Then I went on my way to Happy Hour. How’s that for some recovery?
tonight’s tissue usage. gross.
My first blog is about saying good-bye to a person I really cared about. But this blog is not about saying good-bye. It’s about closing one chapter and seeing what the next will bring. This is a story about girl trying to figure it all out with the help of her friends…
This letter is to a boy I’ve been enamored with for over 17 months. He is seeing someone else now. It’s left me heartbroken.
In many ways, this is one of the saddest moments of my life up to this point.
I felt a strong need to write this email and I couldn’t figure out why. You’re clearly so over this conversation with me. But I need you to know some things and I hope you respect me enough to read it, which is something I don’t think I’ve gotten much of from you.
To be sure, I was in love with you. I was so CRAZY over you. I have never felt that way about anyone. I loved that feeling. Looking over the emails I tried so many times to send you, this is one of the things I wrote:
“First and foremost, this is how I feel about you:
I like that you text me when you win a game.
I like whenever you text me.
I like that you call me when I ask you to.
I like it when you call me and I haven’t asked you to.
I like that we have so many inside jokes it’s as if we have our own language.
I like that you have the ability to make me confident and nervous all at the same time.
I love that you’re caring, sexy, funny, smart and you tell me stories.
You can’t really blame me then, when I am just so sad when I’m not with you. And not being able to talk to you makes you feel so far away from me….”
That one time I tried explain to you that you meant more to me than a lover – that you were one of my best friends…I meant it. That has made this whole situation even more difficult. Even more so, I think you misconstrued what I was saying to you. Your response was also horrifically memorable, “I hope you don’t care about me too much.” That was like a swift kick to the heart. But yes, I definitely did care about you too much. How was I not supposed to?
The reason I feel as though I was led on (I know you feel differently) is because we had amazing 4hour phone conversations, we visited each other across the country, we had a joke about everything under the sun, you told me things you hadn’t told anyone else…I showed you sides of my personality no one gets to see…I felt a real connection with you. You once asked me incredulously, ”How did you get to this place?” in reference to how I ended up so into you. I got to “this place” with you, with your participation. I didn’t understand how I wasn’t supposed to feel this way about you.
I absolutely fell for you and I feel like you expected me to be immune to all that. For a long time I refused to believe that you were leading me on despite appearances. I don’t think you intended to use me but I don’t think you intended anything at all with me. I made it so easy for you to “just have fun.”
I asked you if I was a rebound and you wouldn’t give me a straight answer.
I still have no idea if you ever cared about me. I don’t know what to believe anymore - it feels like it was all fake.
Regardless, after it’s all been said and done – it’s clear that I was a rebound. And, I accept it. It’s not a nice feeling…but it’s the reality of the situation. Do you see that?
The moment I tried to have a real conversation about us and it stopped being easy for you – you tried to shut me out. I absolutely didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to be without you – I felt so cornered. I didn’t know how it could be so easy for you to cut off communication. It now occurs to me that maybe it was easy for you because you didn’t really give a shit to begin with.
At the same time…I do believe you tried to “protect me.” But you couldn’t. You just didn’t understand how I felt. So you couldn’t.
It’s been shitty these past months. But the thing that will haunt me for a long time is our last conversation.
I don’t care if you thought we were having just friend conversations. They were NOT all platonic either. You can tell yourself that you didn’t know how much I cared about you (you have essentially done that the ENTIRE relationship) but I wish you had had enough decency to tell me about “your girl.”
That phrase HAUNTS me. It felt like being stabbed in the gut when I read it.
The way you ever so nonchalantly dropped the information in my lap was just excruciating since for so long all I wanted to be was “your girl.” I wish that it would have occurred to you that I deserved to be told in a direct manner or on the phone or that this would have been hard for me. There’s nothing you can say to me that will make me think that I deserved any less from you. It wouldn’t have been a fun conversation but the way you did it was the WORST.
That doesn’t make me believe that you consider me a friend at all. Not to mention, it’s really troubling that I was like, “Hey, I cried about you for seventh months” and you’re all “Peace out…I got things to do.”
You kept trying to be the nice guy in the scenario. But you couldn’t.
The worse part is that I’ve lost someone that was so special to me in every way. I hate everything because we laughed at everything. I hate the things we both love. When something is so funny and I just want to call you and tell you - I can’t. When something makes me so sad and I just want to call and tell you - I can’t. I can’t because you won’t even have a conversation with me now when I’m in such terrible pain. I just wanted to be heard and it’s hard when every time I tried to talk to you – I got cut off. Again, what kind of friend does that?
One day, the mention or thought of baseball, James Bond, Batman and all the other things we shared with each other won’t make my stomach curl anymore. I’m looking forward to when that will happen because unfortunately, I haven’t been successful in burning down AT&T Park.
I know some of you are thinking that this is a mistake and this isn’t closure. But, this is the first time I finally feel FREE to say how I feel and I don’t want any more regrets. This whole situation has taught me that I need to be more honest. As one friend put it, I need to “show my crazy.” So please don’t try to talk me out of it. I only want to hear if you think I’ve forgotten to include something I should be saying in the email. Otherwise…this is my journey.